ARTICLE: An Open Letter of Support to the Parents of Challenged Children
The plight of the mother
"Mother" has always been a relative fixed symbol for place of origin and creation but also for the vessel that carries and nourishes. No matter how much times have changed, the mother remains the life long source of emotional nourishment, it is her natural role. The female carries as one of her archaic symbols or types in her unconscious, a dominant anima, her primary soul image. This anima, corresponding to Eros (love, feeling) is the personification of all feminine psychological tendencies such as feelings and moods, impulsions, capacity for love, love for Nature and animals and especially a capacity for investigating her feelings, harboring in her unconscious, called honest introspection. Most women approach any situation in the world with "feeling," one of Jung's four functions of conscious (thinking, sensation and intuition the other ones). Her weakest function is the Thinking function. This does not mean that women cannot think, but the predominance of the anima leads the woman to approach life with her feeling function. This has great consequences: one of the most important one is the creation of fixed ideas that find its origin in what Jung would have called, painful feeling complexes, mostly linked to a sad event in the past. This corresponds to the homeopathic, "Ailments from" and in women, 90% of these delusions find therefore their origin in loss of love, deception, betrayal, death of a child or friend, grief…all linked to Eros or love. "Death of a child" can have different meanings. It can be the actual death of the child but also the shock and discovery that one has a challenged child. Life is never the same from that moment on. Here are the circumstances the homeopath has to look out for the mother, the rock of the household in such situations.
Grief and Hearing Bad news
For the mom, when first confronted with her challenged child, "hearing the bad news," the diagnosis confirmed by her physician, it rocks her soul to the core. No other person than a mother can feel the grief to such extent: "like ripping out my heart, piercing my heart," as I heard from my patients. Such trauma must be remedied immediately as not only emotional illness will emerge, but denial or suppression of such emotions, is a mortal sin for which Nature will visit her with physical illness! Don't wait to see what will happen: homeopathy does possess wonderful acute remedies to assist the mom to go through a natural grieving process, but protecting her at the same time of so many illnesses named Chronic Fatigue, Multiple Sclerosis, auto immune disorders, all of which I have been able to trace in the practice to such event. The most natural remedy for this event is Ignatia since it is linked to "feeling" and to the "death" of a child. Its symptoms are numerous: weeping or more sobbing, loss of appetite, a feeling of a ball in the throat that prevents swallowing, insomnia because of the grief, sighing, and persistent thoughts about her child. "What did I do wrong? Why me? What could I have done better to avoid this?"
One sees immediately the self reproach and guilt that so many mothers go through, a self imposed feeling of guilt as the mother considers herself as the primary source of nourishment. However, the hereditary background of both parents (the miasmatic soil in homeopathy) plays a role and the trigger to fuel such soil can be provoked by not only either parent but by almost anyone else in this world. The shocking discovery might have been years ago, but the parent can remain in such grief state and carry the burden till the end of her life. Not only is it dangerous for her own physical health, but it hinders her to help her child to the best of her instinctive motherly feelings. Years later, often Ignatia or its chronic remedy can still be indicated in such parent. Ignatia is not the only remedy for these circumstances but the good homeopath will match the grief reaction to the indicated remedy.
Lack of Sleep
This seems to be a normal consequence for the mother. First there is the grief that will cause the sleeplessness: her mind is tortured not only by what "went wrong," but also "what can I do?" How should I proceed? Is anything out there giving me hope? Often mom stays awake to listen to the child: is she still breathing? Is she crying and need my help? Are they afraid in the dark and want to sleep now with the parent? The mother takes it also on her to report to her doctor or homeopath to describe as well as possible the picture that emerges of her challenged child. She wants to make sure this child can get the best possible help if it is up to her. Some of my parents let the child sleep with them so they can observe and hear everything: Is the child restless? Is she grinding her teeth? Does she have nightmares? Does she cry out for help? Or is there just a shrieking sound, a call that seems to come from the depth of the child and pierces mom's heart? All this leads to mom's lack of sleep, the primary care giver. It is called "Ailments from night watching," commonly known when one takes care of parents or children with terminal illness but as one can see, sorrow, undeserved guilt and anxiety for the child's future equally affect mom's sleep. For those who lost sleep or still are, there is nothing more detrimental than losing sleep. Losing your sleep is slowly losing your health. Cocculus is a wonderful remedy in such case, avoiding physical illness, which would only add a burden on the mother.
Anger and loss of meaning of life
It is easily understood that the mother of the challenged child has episodes of anger, often anger with silent grief. Mom has to be strong, can't show her feelings, considered a weak part. My child cannot possible see that I feel frustrated when things are not moving fast enough in a possible therapy or when I don't receive enough help from my husband. I must remain joyful, optimistic and always put that brave face on. "How are you," I ask? And of course, mom answers, "Great." But mom must find a place and time to vent her "ignoble" feelings! We all need nourishment for our psyche! Above all, mom, the family's rock, must be allowed to express these "horrible" feelings, in a safe place, possible to her husband and of course her therapist or trusted physician or homeopath. Delegating such feelings like anger, frustration and impatience to her unconscious is not the same as dealing with them. Every mother has surprised herself as these primitive feelings show yup at the most inopportune moments, triggered by an innocent word, a gesture, an innocent act from a friend or husband…The cat was led out of the bag,, these feelings delegated to your unconscious are in fact not taken care of but surprise you…"I was not myself,". I should not have lost my patience," you exclaim. But you are human and overwhelmed. Even disturbing dreams can come to your mind: "I wish I never had this child." And when you wake up, you feel ashamed of these thoughts and you hope no one else ever knows this secret. But a psychological and physical burnout is always close to give birth in the mother of the challenged child. Speak freely about your feelings to your husband, explain sometimes to your other child when you "lose" it that it is not her fault. And above all don't hide anything for your trusted homeopath: he needs that kind of information to help you as well as possible. You are not alone as much as there are moments you think you are. There is much love to share in this world and one should not be desperate or too proud about it to receive one's share.
I often heard a mom say, "I am not sure what I am looking forward to in this life. The past is a burden, the present is killing me and the future seems hopeless." Such suffering though, is often a chance for the parent to derive a real meaning of life, possible a vocation. It is possible the greatest question in humankind's history: "What is the meaning of life?" Anyone at some point has asked himself that question, some get stick in it, most move on. It is certainly the most human principle since no one in the animal world worries about the meaning of life. The patient might not ask this directly but it might show up in the form of a depression. Such person suffers then from a spiritual disease which is often more devastated than any disease on another plane. The homeopath can suggest but will not impose on such person a reason to live. The challenged child is in many ways a gift to the family: meaning of life can be found not only in spirit of, but also because of unavoidable suffering. A challenged child is often a teacher: how much we take for granted, that we can converse, enjoy things, connect to others, being the recipient of love of others…Such child is able to teach us patience, true love in which we reach the core of the other person, taking every day as it comes and enjoy it…Your child needs you, and it gives meaning to your life. That is possible the greatest gift! One feels sympathy for suffering in the world, in whatever form it comes: compassion and sympathy are other gifts from your challenged child.
Neglect of the other children
Here is another source of guilt. It is easy to fall into this trap: the child that needs the most attention usually gets it. Here is the task of your partner to help you maintaining your balance. Your spouse must appoint a half day or a day in which mom cannot only take care of herself (do something just for you) but possible give her the occasion to enjoy her other children. The overburdened mom should not be the cause of grief and neglect of the other children. Don't forget: the easy child, the one that does not ask anything, is the one that receives the least! This does not sound much like a reward! Let's not forget them in the turmoil of the events!
The plight of the father
For many moms, it sounds strange that their spouse does not react in the same fashion as they do. But who said that "Men are from Mars and Women from Venus?" Do not expect that men will expose themselves in the same fashion as women. Women can easily talk about their feelings. For men, most are afraid of their feelings. They do have them, but mostly these feelings are in a very primitive state. Men are used to approach life with their thinking function, something they can rely on, something they can trust. Why approach a situation with your weakness? It is often a point of contention where the wife accuses the husband of being "insensitive" and husbands accusing their wives of being "hysterical." But where the anima (Eros) was dominant in the woman, animus or the sword or action or Logos (word, thought) is the main soul mate of men. It stands for strength, decision taking, practical, no nonsense person, intelligence, reasoning…Certainly in the
This dominance of the anima leads men to react differently to the birth of a challenged child. The greatest source of delusions and fixed ideas in men does not stem from situations of love but from image and performance, or lack of them. In spite of modern times, men still seem to occupy the position of "provider," and household problems, including the children, is "of mom's concern." This brings added stress to the woman as often (not always of course) fathers seem to take a more distant role in the welfare of the challenged child. To some extent it is understandable: their animus creates feelings of shame, disappointment, often leading to a denial that there is much of a problem. It is also often seen in the way they dictate treatment for such children. "Why don't you go to a regular doctor? There must be drugs for this!" And in spite of failures before they insist not to consult that new age healer or "quack," even if the "quack" is a medical doctor. Ladies who read this, it is not because men don't grieve about the situation: they just are unable to show it. Men would do well to learn from the feelings of the woman and women often have an awful time to think. The secret is to learn from each other and not to be afraid of your weak function of conscious.
Men must provide the mom with a time off. Not only is this a show of love and respect for her hard work but it is also the opportunity to learn and get close to the child. And certainly it is an eye opener for the father to see how hard the work of the mother is. He is often pleased to disappear for the office task! I also would say, learn to be close to Nature again! Get your hands dirty in the soil, raise some chickens, visit parks with your children and show them what the present generation of children have lost: the notion that the earth has a soul.
The word hero is often used and misused. I love sports but sports men are not my heroes. My heroes are the underpaid teachers, and right at the top of the list, all, the parents who nourish and love the challenged child!
Dr Luc
